so this is like a stream of consciousness thing where i just write what i feel and just let it stream out real smooth and jazzy, no questions asked no filters applied no holding back just let it slide. so here i ask myself a real deep and emphatic question, but strangely i’ve no questions to ask. perhaps it is beyond words or maybe before words, i wonder which one. how is something localized or even understood if it is before words? is it like there is some sea of ideas and that the ideas themselves exist in some primordial language understood by the mind but which cannot be expressed except through their translation from idea-language into actual language? this could be also what allows the thoughts to be stored: their translation into sentences of language. but could it be that these translations mar and take something away from the original idea? nuances of the idea will no doubt be lost and the translation will be wholly imperfect. this is a bit of a shitty situation but i cannot see or even conceive of a remedy to it. since by their very nature these raw ideas are incommunicable, what hope is there of ever achieving true communication? none. absolutely none. humans are doomed to this prison of bone and blood, to never properly know another human in this sea of chaos. we are islands of awareness blocked out from all other realms of existence by this very wall of which i speak. however, this is only the case if our rationality is our only means of acquiring knowledge. if so, then yes, true communication and true knowledge is impossible. however, if there is some other means of knowing, some deeper spiritual realm or field that precedes the manifested world, then perhaps there is hope still. if some way exists for us to truly connect with others and truly have knowledge of truth and knowledge of total existence spanning the entirety of the cosmos which is not limited to this handicapped method we use today called reasoning. perhaps reasoning is flawed and perhaps it is negligible in the grand scale of things. if this is true, then it inspires and elates my heart in extreme ways. if this spiritual connection were achievable then i would wonder why anybody does anything other than working on developing that connection. my current aim in life is to build that bridge to the spiritual realm and reclaim my connection with Spirit. but sometimes i am plagued by doubt and uncertainty. i question: is this true? is this possible? my materialistic sense is too strong in me and it is very hard for me to abandon it altogether once and for all. of course, with spirituality i do not abandon it and forget all about it, i just retreat to a deeper, more primordial and all-encompassing realm which includes within it materialism along with all the other conflicting philosophies. however, this realm itself is a contradiction to the materialist foundation and this is what is hard for me to do. to allow myself to accept that materialism is just a section of reality and that it doesn’t fully explain it and that there are undoubtedly facets of reality that will contradict materialism. however, i have lately been tending to move closer and closer towards accepting such claims that would posit that the material and manifested world is just one level of reality and that there are deeper and more uniting truths which underline all of reality and in fact give rise to it. this is intriguing to me and only makes me yearn to touch and to understand and to be one with this essential realm that gives rise to all of my reality which i take for granted and which i tend to believe is the be-all and end-all. materialists will generally claim that any additional element you add to their formula of existence is superfluous and unneeded and that their theories and their science is more than sufficient for explaining everything there is. could it be that there is something else that is hidden underneath the surface that escapes detection by these staunch scientists? it very well could be and try as hard i may, i cannot discount it as a possibility. actually, the more and more i flirt with these ideas, the more i find that they seem to make sense. the world never made sense in my materialist days but i accepted that. i resigned with the knowledge that it doesn’t make sense and that i could never make sense out of it and hence, there was no need to worry about meaning and explanations for “why?”. that question used to plague me: why is it like this? out of all the seemingly infinite possibilities for the forms of existences, why this one? and why even exist in the first place? tough questions and i have always wondered about them, but eventually i resigned and sighed a large fatalistic sigh of “whatever”, and decided to not bother about such seemingly hopeless endeavors. however, in this materialistic world which makes no sense, i am all of the sudden told about a truth that exists which is knowable by me which will give me all the answers and which is intuitively known and understood. can i reject such an offer? and after experiencing certain moments of fleeting spirituality – perhaps foreshadowing the exalted spiritual experience itself – can i refuse to devote my whole life to the pursuit of such truths? it has an appeal to it, this truth that there is a level which precedes this physical level of existence and which gives rise to it. it even flows perfectly with the recent revelations of quantum physics which have challenged the intuitions of scientists and materialists worldwide. how can the simple act of observation affect whether an electron, ONE ELECTRON, acts as a particle or a wave? more strange, perhaps, is the question: how can an electron behave as a wave? but why is this dependent upon whether we observe it or not? this is undoubtedly the largest inconsistency i have ever encountered in the materialistic explanation of existence. however, if we take the point of view that there is a primordial level of existence which is non-physical and which is centered upon consciousness and observation and which gives rise to the physical world through its innate act of observation, then the puzzle is solved. then everything makes sense again. my nature is observation and through observation i give rise to my entire physical existence. but then there are a whole new bunch of questions to answer such as: why are we all “trapped” in this physical existence if we are essentially non-physical? and why do the majority of us have absolutely no connection with this realm whatsoever? and many many others. however, i haven’t yet grasped fully the spiritual story and i have yet to have a spiritual experience, so i still have my doubts. but i am now fully and firmly committed to the spiritual path and i will not waver from it until i have exhausted it or arrived at the truth.

may all beings be simply happy.

“All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson